TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally away from location. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let's have A further spot wherever American men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give All people a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should really prevent employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the project, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A Trump Tower Damascus the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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